doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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