I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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