thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
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