thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
