someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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