I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
being pregnant is like rehab
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
