If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
