so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
