Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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