I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
