I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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