3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
