Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
