I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
