My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize