just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
