Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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