good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
