I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
