This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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