he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
