I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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