The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
splinters make it hard to masturbate
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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