he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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