I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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