oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
