I only kidnapped one of them. chill
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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