I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
