So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
