Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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