My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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