my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
