I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
you never un-have a 4some
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
