Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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