How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
