Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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