if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My dad just said "fuck circus"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
