I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Holy shit dude........stairs
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
