if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
