low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
