I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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