i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
