Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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