my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
