So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
