So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize