did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
