u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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