Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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