I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
