Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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