Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
well you can't waste a boner
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
