I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
