I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
