Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
