Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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